Month: August 2014

About me

Well, I am feeling really bad and I think expressing it to other people who might be going or have gone through it can make me feel better.

Here is the deal: I have a lot of family problems. I believe everyone thinks that’s just the normal stuff for a 19 year-old girl, right? I would think that too, but in my case, things go a little bit deeper than they should. The only family I have are my two brothers, my mother and my aunt and cousins (who live in another continent). The thing is, my older brother had a son when he was 20 and had to go to another country to work with his wife because they had nothing, no job, no responsibility, no money and no home –nothing to care for a child. That was about the same time when I was born, with one year of difference. My father was a drunk bag of retard by then, and he didn’t want me, so he left my mom. What happened was that my brothers and my mother worked together to raise me and my nephew. My brother told my mom to stop working so she could take care of me, and so she did. A little while after, my brother’s mother-in-law (my nephew’s grandmother) asked to take him with her and raise him, so it was only me and my mom.

Things went ok just like that, with my brothers working, the elder with his wife in another country, coming for visits every two or three years. Until I was 6. That’s when my mom and my brothers bought another house together, so my mom and I moved to this new house. My mom always used to drink, but when we moved it was getting worse.

On the second year of living in that house, my mom became a heavy drinker and everything went down a hole. We moved to more times and got where we are right now. This completely messed me up when I was a teenager, constantly losing everyone made me unable to deeply bond to people or really care for them –something I’m working on until this very day. I mistrust people, I’ve had several problems with depression, anxiety and nervous breakdowns and the only thing that made this better was my deep faith in Wotan, Frigga and Freya, who gave me strength to fight and be able to care for my mom alone since I was 6. Several times, I had to bathe her and put her to bed. Several times she left and I didn’t know if she would ever come back.

It was also about when I was 6 that my brothers started getting weird towards me. They were rude, they treated me in such a cruel manner I could not explain. They did that from my 6 to my seventeens. One day, the middle brother (the one who stayed here with no kids) simply stopped doing that and started talking to me. I can’t explain how great that felt for me.

This year, my brother came back from that other country. He always treat me poorly, he always says I’m a slut even though he knows I’m going out with my girlfriends and come back with their mothers by car. I have to deal with that, otherwise I’ll be kicked out of the house, and then where will I go? How will I live? I have no one but my brothers and my aunt who is in another country. I have no father and my grandmother died before I was born. There is no one to care for me. Knowing that, you’ll understand the next part and why I’m so terrified that I can’t even stop crying or leave this room anymore.

Yesterday, I was telling my mother not to leave the bathroom with too much hair because it was clogging the drain, that was in the morning, just before I went to work. I left. I worked the whole day. I got home by 22 P.M. and I just wanted to eat and go to sleep. So my brother (who spends the whole day eating, smoking, drinking and dirtying the entire fucking house like a dumbass pig in a farm) comes up to me and start telling me how I was an idiot for saying that, because I was “prissy” for saying that the fucking drains were getting clogged. So here is what: he is now a 40 year-old man, who accomplished nothing in his life even though he worked 20 years getting about 10-15 thousand a month and spent it all on useless shit who has now a balding head and still uses long hair. He thought I was saying that (about the drains) for him. He screamed at me until I had a breakdown and locked myself up in the bathroom and cried for 4 hours straight.

I don’t do drugs, the maximum I drink is beer and wine, I am no “slut”, as he claims me to be and I completed a course while finishing high school and now I work almost every day with one day off for every 6 of work. I can fluently speak two languages, I am in the middle of the third and in the basics of a fourth. I work hard so I can achieve my dream of going back to Europe with my own effort. I dream of having children so I can show them a world I didn’t see and they will show me a love I’ve never felt. But every time this happens, I feel like family means nothing at all. How can this exist? How can someone have your own blood and be such a piece of human garbage?

I just really needed to get this off my chest. Feeling better already. 🙂