About me

Well, I am feeling really bad and I think expressing it to other people who might be going or have gone through it can make me feel better.

Here is the deal: I have a lot of family problems. I believe everyone thinks that’s just the normal stuff for a 19 year-old girl, right? I would think that too, but in my case, things go a little bit deeper than they should. The only family I have are my two brothers, my mother and my aunt and cousins (who live in another continent). The thing is, my older brother had a son when he was 20 and had to go to another country to work with his wife because they had nothing, no job, no responsibility, no money and no home –nothing to care for a child. That was about the same time when I was born, with one year of difference. My father was a drunk bag of retard by then, and he didn’t want me, so he left my mom. What happened was that my brothers and my mother worked together to raise me and my nephew. My brother told my mom to stop working so she could take care of me, and so she did. A little while after, my brother’s mother-in-law (my nephew’s grandmother) asked to take him with her and raise him, so it was only me and my mom.

Things went ok just like that, with my brothers working, the elder with his wife in another country, coming for visits every two or three years. Until I was 6. That’s when my mom and my brothers bought another house together, so my mom and I moved to this new house. My mom always used to drink, but when we moved it was getting worse.

On the second year of living in that house, my mom became a heavy drinker and everything went down a hole. We moved to more times and got where we are right now. This completely messed me up when I was a teenager, constantly losing everyone made me unable to deeply bond to people or really care for them –something I’m working on until this very day. I mistrust people, I’ve had several problems with depression, anxiety and nervous breakdowns and the only thing that made this better was my deep faith in Wotan, Frigga and Freya, who gave me strength to fight and be able to care for my mom alone since I was 6. Several times, I had to bathe her and put her to bed. Several times she left and I didn’t know if she would ever come back.

It was also about when I was 6 that my brothers started getting weird towards me. They were rude, they treated me in such a cruel manner I could not explain. They did that from my 6 to my seventeens. One day, the middle brother (the one who stayed here with no kids) simply stopped doing that and started talking to me. I can’t explain how great that felt for me.

This year, my brother came back from that other country. He always treat me poorly, he always says I’m a slut even though he knows I’m going out with my girlfriends and come back with their mothers by car. I have to deal with that, otherwise I’ll be kicked out of the house, and then where will I go? How will I live? I have no one but my brothers and my aunt who is in another country. I have no father and my grandmother died before I was born. There is no one to care for me. Knowing that, you’ll understand the next part and why I’m so terrified that I can’t even stop crying or leave this room anymore.

Yesterday, I was telling my mother not to leave the bathroom with too much hair because it was clogging the drain, that was in the morning, just before I went to work. I left. I worked the whole day. I got home by 22 P.M. and I just wanted to eat and go to sleep. So my brother (who spends the whole day eating, smoking, drinking and dirtying the entire fucking house like a dumbass pig in a farm) comes up to me and start telling me how I was an idiot for saying that, because I was “prissy” for saying that the fucking drains were getting clogged. So here is what: he is now a 40 year-old man, who accomplished nothing in his life even though he worked 20 years getting about 10-15 thousand a month and spent it all on useless shit who has now a balding head and still uses long hair. He thought I was saying that (about the drains) for him. He screamed at me until I had a breakdown and locked myself up in the bathroom and cried for 4 hours straight.

I don’t do drugs, the maximum I drink is beer and wine, I am no “slut”, as he claims me to be and I completed a course while finishing high school and now I work almost every day with one day off for every 6 of work. I can fluently speak two languages, I am in the middle of the third and in the basics of a fourth. I work hard so I can achieve my dream of going back to Europe with my own effort. I dream of having children so I can show them a world I didn’t see and they will show me a love I’ve never felt. But every time this happens, I feel like family means nothing at all. How can this exist? How can someone have your own blood and be such a piece of human garbage?

I just really needed to get this off my chest. Feeling better already. 🙂

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6 comments

  1. A person can reach anything as long as his/her goal’s are noble and meaningful, your’s are both and thus i wish you the best of luck 😉

    1. I try my best to keep my heart true. I just wish so many people didn’t have to go through the same problems as I do. Family is supposed to be the center of one’s life.
      Thank you 🙂

  2. I feel for you. Family IS supposed to help, and it’s just so wrong when it doesn’t.

    If you feel like it, just start you own (family). Really, cut out all the negative things even if they come from people close to you. Have some good White kids and teach them right from wrong – judging from your posts and some comments we exchanged you are going to be just perfect for that!

    All the best,
    Operation Werwolf team

    1. I am trying my hardest to accomplish that. I am devoting my life to the dream of having my children and teaching them to be noble, hardworking people. This just makes it terribly confusing to me. If it happened once or twice, but it happens very frequently…
      The best I can do is be as strong as I encourage people to be!
      Thank you for the support 🙂

  3. Break what is trying to break you.
    Don’t cry. HATE.
    Even if you cannot harm what harms you – you can pay it back by not bowing your head. They are dominating you by controling your emotions, do you really deign them this pleasure? Really? They try to bring you down. Hate yourself in the first place for giving in and letting them to do so. Hate your weak face and promise yourself never to bow your head again. You must activate your will to fight. What keeps you going now is hope, not will or strength. Hope is only opium for the weak. If you really want to change your life, so find your fighting spirit and cling to it. Hoping will only encourage you to wait passively for a wonder to happen and do small steps while being thrown back again and again. What you need is to find your will and become active. Don’t deign them the pleasure to see you weak and suffering. Never bow your head. NEVER.

    Don’t expect pity from me. I am grateful to those who didn’t have pity when I felt just like you.
    Hopefully this helps.
    You are free to contact me.

    1. I do agree with everything you said and I don’t feel offended. Sometimes we’re just being attacked by every angle and it weakens us. Luckily enough for me, my weakness lasts only for a few hours. Expressing like this and hearing (reading) people like you helps a lot. Life is not good even in the hard times, but SPECIALLY good at hard times, for they allow me to prove myself. 🙂
      Thank you for the support.

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