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The Word of God

Thulean Perspective

Serbian.

Some hundred years ago one could not argue against “the word of God”. If it was in the bible, everybody simply had to believe in it, and arguing against it was if not always a physical suicide, then at least very dangerous, and the risk of being octracized was huge. Ridicule was certain. Scorn was certain. Persecution was certain.

Today science is “the new word of God”, and perhaps especially so DNA. If its in the DNA and the scientists (the new priests) can interpret it for us this or that way, then we can not argue against it. If a DNA sample e. g. proved to you that you were white, when you in reality were black, it would be hard for you to convince your fellow human beings that you were in fact black. I mean; how can you argue against DNA? When science talks, we…

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I’m sorry

This is a personal blog, but I have been trying to make it into something useful.
The problem is, right now, I am facing a deep problem with depression.
Yes, I do know what depression means. It means that for over an year now I avoid social interaction, I feel way too tired, I have constant thoughts of suicide, I can’t bond with people (nor can I trust or love them truly) and I can’t deal with my feelings. I repel every person I love and regret every action I take.
This blog was supposed to be a sort of escape to me, but now it’s not anymore. Nothing ever really is. It has no cure and no completely functional treatment. It’s stuck with me forever.
I beg the pardon of those who cared to follow me and even guided some people here because of the content I posted.
I would like to thank you all, dearly, for your attention.
Now I must ask for your comprehension. It’s not being easy on me.
It could take a day, a month, a year or I could never come back.
See you.

About me

Well, I am feeling really bad and I think expressing it to other people who might be going or have gone through it can make me feel better.

Here is the deal: I have a lot of family problems. I believe everyone thinks that’s just the normal stuff for a 19 year-old girl, right? I would think that too, but in my case, things go a little bit deeper than they should. The only family I have are my two brothers, my mother and my aunt and cousins (who live in another continent). The thing is, my older brother had a son when he was 20 and had to go to another country to work with his wife because they had nothing, no job, no responsibility, no money and no home –nothing to care for a child. That was about the same time when I was born, with one year of difference. My father was a drunk bag of retard by then, and he didn’t want me, so he left my mom. What happened was that my brothers and my mother worked together to raise me and my nephew. My brother told my mom to stop working so she could take care of me, and so she did. A little while after, my brother’s mother-in-law (my nephew’s grandmother) asked to take him with her and raise him, so it was only me and my mom.

Things went ok just like that, with my brothers working, the elder with his wife in another country, coming for visits every two or three years. Until I was 6. That’s when my mom and my brothers bought another house together, so my mom and I moved to this new house. My mom always used to drink, but when we moved it was getting worse.

On the second year of living in that house, my mom became a heavy drinker and everything went down a hole. We moved to more times and got where we are right now. This completely messed me up when I was a teenager, constantly losing everyone made me unable to deeply bond to people or really care for them –something I’m working on until this very day. I mistrust people, I’ve had several problems with depression, anxiety and nervous breakdowns and the only thing that made this better was my deep faith in Wotan, Frigga and Freya, who gave me strength to fight and be able to care for my mom alone since I was 6. Several times, I had to bathe her and put her to bed. Several times she left and I didn’t know if she would ever come back.

It was also about when I was 6 that my brothers started getting weird towards me. They were rude, they treated me in such a cruel manner I could not explain. They did that from my 6 to my seventeens. One day, the middle brother (the one who stayed here with no kids) simply stopped doing that and started talking to me. I can’t explain how great that felt for me.

This year, my brother came back from that other country. He always treat me poorly, he always says I’m a slut even though he knows I’m going out with my girlfriends and come back with their mothers by car. I have to deal with that, otherwise I’ll be kicked out of the house, and then where will I go? How will I live? I have no one but my brothers and my aunt who is in another country. I have no father and my grandmother died before I was born. There is no one to care for me. Knowing that, you’ll understand the next part and why I’m so terrified that I can’t even stop crying or leave this room anymore.

Yesterday, I was telling my mother not to leave the bathroom with too much hair because it was clogging the drain, that was in the morning, just before I went to work. I left. I worked the whole day. I got home by 22 P.M. and I just wanted to eat and go to sleep. So my brother (who spends the whole day eating, smoking, drinking and dirtying the entire fucking house like a dumbass pig in a farm) comes up to me and start telling me how I was an idiot for saying that, because I was “prissy” for saying that the fucking drains were getting clogged. So here is what: he is now a 40 year-old man, who accomplished nothing in his life even though he worked 20 years getting about 10-15 thousand a month and spent it all on useless shit who has now a balding head and still uses long hair. He thought I was saying that (about the drains) for him. He screamed at me until I had a breakdown and locked myself up in the bathroom and cried for 4 hours straight.

I don’t do drugs, the maximum I drink is beer and wine, I am no “slut”, as he claims me to be and I completed a course while finishing high school and now I work almost every day with one day off for every 6 of work. I can fluently speak two languages, I am in the middle of the third and in the basics of a fourth. I work hard so I can achieve my dream of going back to Europe with my own effort. I dream of having children so I can show them a world I didn’t see and they will show me a love I’ve never felt. But every time this happens, I feel like family means nothing at all. How can this exist? How can someone have your own blood and be such a piece of human garbage?

I just really needed to get this off my chest. Feeling better already. 🙂

About Art

I have lately seen many letting out their ideas on what really is art. I, too, have the feeling I should let out a bit of my thoughts on it. Unlike the other posts I have seen, though, I am not going to show what I consider to be a chimpanzee that got paint on its hands being called art. Here I show a piece of what I really feel like art and really touches my heart.

I will then present one of my favorite artists of all time: Theodor Severin  Kittelsen.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theodor_Kittelsen

You will find that Kittelsen was deeply in love with nature and the Norwegian mythology. Some of his pictures do not even have a deeper meaning, they are just beautiful scenes he felt deserved being portrayed. He has several works on trolls. Theodor was also engaged in showing history in his paintings. One of the most shocking of his works (to me) was “The Black Death” which consists of an old woman that brings death, based on the plague. It is so horrifying to me I can barely look at it. He was, is and forever will be amazing. Enjoy:

Kittelsen

                       Theodor Kittelsen

Self-portrait.

 

The Neck as a White Brook Horse

                              The Neck as a White Brook Horse

The nokken (Neck) is a shape-shifting creature that assumed the form of a white brook horse.

 

Nokken (Neck or Nix)

                                          Nokken (Neck or Nix)

The Nokken (shape-shifting creature) in the lake.

Woodpecker

                               Woodpecker

 

A Bear Hunt Gone Wrong

                                         A Bear Hunt Gone Wrong

Many artists are obsessed with one specific animal. I think Theodor’s were bears.

 

Waldtroll

                               Waldtroll

I often see him mixing creatures bond to nature with nature itself. For some reason I love it.

 

 Lysalver Fanger Skyggetussen

                                 Lysalver Fanger Skyggetussen

I couldn’t find a good translation for the title, but I found something like “Light beings capture shadow troll” -boldly self-describing.

 

White Bear King Valemon

                     White Bear King Valemon

This one gets to me because of the purity it inspires. It’s like they’re light itself. Plus, the fairytale of Valemon is a very cherished one to me. Worth reading.

  These pictures should be more than enough to express why I love his works and why I feel like this should be saved for posterity and not those ridiculous laughingstocks being called “art”. It is outrageous and insulting to every single living person who knows how to hold a pencil, has eyes or a brain that some people call their shit art. Note that when I say shit, I don’t intend to use as an expression. There are people who literally call their excrement art. I won’t show you that. No one deserves seeing that and that doesn’t deserve to be seen by anyone. Instead, I’ll show beauty in order to see beauty.

“For the most beautiful things in the world come in a piece of paper: music. Anyone who thinks of another answer isn’t worth being someone.”

Salut!

I do not know if this blog will have any viewers or relieve anyone’s heart, but that’s not worrying me. What worries me is how I can improve myself through this, through expressing. All that will be used here are humble words and images, for I cannot offer more.

The main subject will be the many distresses I have taken over the years, and believe others have taken too: the distress of being away from your natural habitat, of having to formulate your own sense of honor (once parents don’t know how to do this anymore), of not being able to mingle with the people near you, of not comprehending the meaning of what other people judge necessary, or, as you may call, being the black sheep. This is all due to the time, place and conditions in which I live. All of those factors make up a brain working non-stop since the day I have a sense of self.

That being said, I hope to understand myself and others better, as well as untying the knots the line of life has gotten to.